5th Jan, 2020.
If I tried to think about what’s standing in my way right now? Honestly it would be myself. My own thoughts, my fears, my self doubt. In the past I would have thought that circumstances around me would be the biggest obstacles, but for the past 2 years, I realised it was mostly me. Yes, circumstances that bind exist, but it does not mean I can’t take a little step to start stepping out of it, right?
The thing with having fears as these self-made fences in my own life, well, I stopped daring myself to dream, to envision bigger, nicer things would’ve happened in my life. I’ve put limitations on what’s to come. Right now, I’m trying to pick the lock to these self-made fences. Trying to be more daring, to allow myself to get out, finally allowing myself to roam free. To bring the sparks of fire to my guts again, being exhilarated again with life.
I’m not a writer. I don’t think I can put out words in my head fluently. I use only simple words my head can think of. But starting today, I am willing to try. Trying to straighten out the messy yarn my thoughts resemble, put those jumbled thoughts into something. Trying things I’ve never done before. Stepping out of my current boundaries : “I can’t write”. So here I am, typing these simplistic words, trying.
I’ve felt it before, to feel the fire in my guts, and now I realised I haven’t felt it again for quite some time. I’ve let my soul dim. I don’t want to live life like that, trapped against my limited mind. I would like to believe this is a tiny first step that I took to overcome my fears. That maybe, by doing this, there’s a possibility that I can expand my views about my life. Take a look at it. Try to get around it. Accepting failure as a part of learning, a consistent part of life. Trying to turn “what if I fail?” into “what if it works out?”.
I’ve failed, I’ve been a bad and slow learner, but the fact that I am here right now, reminds me that those trying times, those that I thought as unreachable, I’ve been through it numerous times. There are few times where I witness myself overcome my past fears and learn something from it. What I did was keep on trying, even when I fell down, needed time to recover, I picked myself up and tried again.
It is a maybe, a 50:50, so why not try again, gamble on it?
Did I just move from believing a can’t to a maybe?
I hope so :-)
This is an exercise I did based on DailyOM: A year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self.
